Tuesday, July 07, 2009

item #5081

Forty two years ago today I made decisions very quickly almost like deciding on momentous becomings. Someone close to me had died. I got involved in making that more complex than simple loss. My whole character changed. All of my appetites changed, too - emotionally, politically and socially. For weeks I thought to deny simple things for myself and to resist complex things for others. I wanted to tie myself up in knots and I did. As a default I feared the worse in every situation. I felt it was a small price to pay for the few comforts I felt I needed. Meanwhile however I destroyed that security for others because all I saw was destruction and potential destruction. No-one I knew then is part of my life now. My family are all dead. I have no ties whatsoever.

But here I am now, better to light a candle... This brings me around to the new idea that even after over four decades I have no good answers for the many assumptions my new love wants me to have about him. I mean I learnt nothing in my past which can help me now. I don't know why but I feel that is positive and offers us a better chance. Let me just say that he has a wife and I am his wife also. The three of us live together in one relationship, in an atmosphere of mutual trust and as an experiment in another way of living and loving. Certainly I feel very loved. Certainly I feel fulfilled. In the scheme of things I am considered a little unique by others who do not understand or care to understand. We feel we are manifestations of inner needs and we tend not to question our motivations, like one would not question something which feels natural. He is our foundation, and we do not feel we are sharing him. Rather we are sharing each other mutually. No I am not bi-sexual, nor am I bi-curious. It is about the mind not the body. We work together,

against the void of illimitation.