Friday, January 02, 2009
well i would normally write looking forward but today i cannot do. i am not looking towards any more weekends or holidays without you. i'm trying to return, get in to the cycle of home as the best place to be. whatever the barriers i felt before they have now evaporated. i feel back in place. it seems more stable, now we don't seem to keep on losing connection. much better to stay connected. my fear disappeared this afternoon and i went out collecting as i used to do. i was parked waiting for her this evening just like i used to. feels delicious. you knew it would be. she's here just as she should be. thank you. i'll be seeking more episodes. all because of your wise words about commitment and the resolution that can bring us all. how do you know such things? your last email was not only thought provoking but i found myself searching my soul for deep inner meaning. my life is about other people. i know that now. i don't have a clue what i want for myself outside of that, you were right. eventually i will die and be forgotten. it's not just a matter of enjoying that with bells on, as you say. i have not wasted time worrying about such things before. now i know better. my emotional resources will bring such things beyond my control, in the plots and plans of others, and i cannot wait. my revenge, my destruction, they have succeeded.